Future Me

 I started this blog when I was seventeen (17) and here I am at  twenty three (23) with the same questions my sixth form self had while she rode the bus for two hours to get home and ultimately feel empty inside. Now I don't take the bus because I find it gross and the length of my journey has been drastically reduced to twenty sometimes thirty minutes. I would go home and try to talk to my then boyfriend who I felt had more interest in kicking rocks outside (this is funny because he was a geology major) than answering my texts talking about the random activities of my day and how much my CAPE subjects were draining my life-force. These days I come home and I drink a capri-sun and reflect on the random events of my day and how every single thing in my life is draining my life force with a little bit of banter with my friends in between. My sixth form self would either sit at the table where I would be presented with my favorite meal or something I absolutely despised. These days I get to eat what I want until my money runs out and I have to eat a tuna sandwich or something but I love tuna sandwiches so no issues there. I'm saying all this to say life sucks. Whether you're seventeen still trying to navigate your way through numbness brought on by a year of weird manipulation and intense peer pressure or twenty three with intense emotions and a never ending search for completion and happiness. I'm not depressed either, sure sometimes I tell my friends that I want to die and they respond with a reassuring "same" followed by an invite to get drinks but isn't that everybody? 

I know this is a weird thing to admit but sometimes I think I want to be depressed because then life would make some sense right? I would one day snap out of it and I'll find new meaning to life and breathe fresh air and think "hey! this isn't so bad" and I'd be right. It wouldn't be so bad. I'm currently drinking fruit juice chased with wine and I can confirm that things change, they really do. Material things they come and go and people come and go. What doesn't really change in my opinion is your mind, sure it develops and it grows and to some extent that's change. But I can't help but think that personally I've been in the same place mentally for the the past seven years.  That's what really sucks. I hope somehow I can find some meaning to my existence though. I really hope one day I'll open my laptop and type "I'm finally happy" and mean it. I understand that happiness is fleeting but I just don't think I've had the chance to be truly happy in a very long time. I get a few months of contentment and I really cherish that because that's when I feel loved and somehow I have purpose. Something to look forward to. Maybe that's where I'll find it and maybe that's where everyone finds it, in the prospect of the future. 

So maybe starting today I'll focus on the future because the here and now is truly suffocating.  

Yours Truly, 

Me.