Let Me Explain: My Poetry

"And I see you now,

 My eyes are watching you 

And God is watching me'

That's a snippet from a poem I wrote in the summer, I found the screenshot of the piece last night while scrolling through photos, before I came upon the poem my pictures were reminding me just how magnificent my skin was over the summer and of course I felt a overwhelming sense of self love. I love those moments for me, that's really where I'm reminded I'm literally that girl in every sense of the phrase. Anyway, I read the poem and (I might add it to this post depending on how I feel) it reminded me of my struggle during the summer, a struggle I didn't quite beat. It kinda beat me, you see the lines are inspired by Zora Neale Hurston's novel, "Their Eyes Were Watching God"   it's a great story but it has no relation to the poem other than the fact that the novel's title helped me coin the stanza, that's it because to me, the words "and I see you now" means that I've finally opened my eyes to the world around me, it means I finally see myself and who I am and it's never that I didn't know who I was or who I am but I've been blindsided a few times, I'll admit. I've been thinking about my individuality and my personality, is it actually who I am or who I've conditioned myself to be.  

 Now, stay with me I believe to be the ideal version of yourself one must be rooted in something. Rootedness is an important part of growing, without roots a plant will definitely slip and slide with whatever landslide happens to take it down with it. I'm not sure where I'm rooted and I'm not sure I'm grounded in anything so maybe the bus with self definition didn't hit me, maybe I need to stand in the middle of the road. People should have definitions, people should have adjectives that capture the essence of their being, right now I'm not in love with my adjectives and it's not that I'm ever labelled as a bad person because truth be told, I'm great. I just haven't been great to myself, I have been looking at myself with clean lens to take the time to understand that maybe the version of myself I'm used to isn't who I am anymore.  

"My Eyes are watching you" 

My eyes are always watching, sometimes I feel as though I know everything and I'm aware of every detail and honestly most times I am. My eyes are watching the world around me, I'm watching the actions of people around me and I'm learning their moves. I've been a sheltered girl, not by force or choice but simply happenstance. I've always been observant and sometimes observing can turn into absorption, and that's where issues can arise, fortunately I've been smart enough to realize I'm not a sponge but do you remember when you were young and you did something in public and your mom flashed you a look, and you just knew that look meant that she was daring you to do something dumb one more time. My Grandmother would always say "Mi a watch you enuh, mi a watch you." I'm watching me, because you have to watch yourself well atleast I know I do. I have the kind of self awareness that combats my impulses and make everything feel as though it's a battle. I've been fighting for my life truly because that  depiction of your conscience as the devil and angel on your should, yeah that's my self awareness and my natural impulses battling it out and I know this sounds complex but I mean the simple decision to detour from my usual route to grab a item I think I need takes a five (5) minute reasoning , 5 minutes that I don't have to begin with. So yeah, I have to watch it. 

"And God is watching me" 

 God's watching me. I know that. He watches me everyday and I know he wonders "what in the world..." but in the instance when I wrote that, I meant that though I felt like I have a internal struggle to figure out, things always work out. That's faith. I know things will work out, I know whatever struggle I feel like I'm going through, I've never been unable to fix things. It's not always the case that things are fixed, but they're fixed for me and really, I'm all that matters. 

So God watches me and I watch myself and I acknowledge my existence through seeing me, the real me. I mean, who else is gonna see it.   

TwistedMb