Out of nowhere he appeared....

 I stood by my kitchen door staring outside trying to keep my eyes clear having just been blinded by tears a few minutes earlier. I folded my arms and leaned against the door post looking at nothing until my eyes caught a shadow that led me deep into the green eyes of a black cat. We stared at each other, the cat looked at me knowingly and then he winked. I couldn't help but laugh, what did this cat know and what was he telling me. So I asked him (I've decided it's a him), I said "cat, what do you know? why did you wink at me?"  He didn't answer,  he just stared at me for a minute so again I said " okay, wink again" and just as I started laughing, he winked. I challenged him again but I think he got bored so he looked away. I stood there staring at the cat, jet black fur, green eyes that seemed to hold some wisdom perched on the lowest limb of my grandfather's fruitless apple tree. People usually say black cats are bad luck but somehow I think this cat is more than that and hey I might be reaching here, but I want to believe the cat was  God or the universe telling me it'll be alright and I need it to be alright so I'll take it. 

Sometimes I guess in everyone's life you have to have that one episode right at the end of the season that shakes everything up, usually the series either gets terrible or really good. I think I'm experiencing my episode but unlike a movie or a tv show there's no deus ex machina to solve everything for me. I have to be my own ex machina, I have to figure it out so I have no advice on how to deal with this. Everyday feels like another day something can go wrong, everyday feels like another day I have to grit my teeth and push through because there's nothing else to do. Figuring things out on a grand scale is hard especially when you don't know the first thing to do and you're stuck in an environment that doesn't permit easy mobility. 

I'm trying though, and I have to try it's essentially all I have left. My ability to try and my sanity to guide me and the advice to pray about it. So a black cat showed up at my door and I thought he brought nothing good and then we winked at me and I felt at ease. A black cat made me feel like it'll be alright. I hope that black cat is right. 

I want a cat now.  

Twistedmb.