Roaring 20's.

 I'm here, maybe because another existential crisis is gripping me at the neck or maybe I'm here because I feel terrible and I have a late assignment that I can't seem to get done. Whatever the reason is, I'm here. I'm here at 1:33am on a Wednesday morning, in October. It's the year 2020 and we're in a pandemic, darling. Im here in my room, sitting on my bed wondering why a mosquito is trying so desperately to sing it's sweet serenade in my ear and I wonder why everything around me lacks luster.  I wonder why I'm now in the second year of my twenties and I have no idea where I'm going next. For the first time in my life, three years ago I realized that the moment I entered university my 10 year old self rolled over to her side, drew the sheets up to her neck , quickly checked over her shoulder one last time to ensure the bathroom light was shining into the room and then snuggled up on her pillow, closed her eyes and stopped dreaming.  As a child I always knew where I was going to go, and what would take me there. I knew I would make it to the high school of my choice, the sixth form of my choice and the college of my choice and then I stopped dreaming because I thought then that everything would work itself out. I believed I would have it all. But then I entered university, pursuing a major I had no interest in, no friends to enjoy my classes with, long hours of journeying back and forth and it was all the things I didn't want for myself. 

Somewhere along the way I realized, or I felt like I had lost my direction my compass was all over the place, it was everywhere and nowhere. I had one goal, to enjoy my college experience , to live in every moment of it because that's how I like my life, I try not to rush things , to develop my patience. I try to appreciate everything about everything. I love that for me I really do but that's also slowed me down. it's crippled my ability to place myself in future situations. It's made me scared of the future. I am terrified of what happens when I step outside the gates of university and I jump into the 'real world'. The world that includes 9-5's and bills. The thought makes me sick. The world where I will have to stand alone  to find my place, isn't that scary? Isn't it scary to think that one day you'll have to do everything for yourself. I've honestly mastered doctor's visits and traveling alone but adulting still makes me nauseous.  I still want the comfort of a real adult present when I go to test my eyes. I still want an adult present when I have to go to a new place for whatever reason I have to go there.  I like dropping things in the shopping cart that I want solely for my purpose and watching my father get upset over a $10 moisturizer that I clearly need.  I'm writing this and the more I expound the more I realize, I'm simply afraid of growing up because that entails so many things that I feel unprepared for. It involves, being held accountable and assuming responsibility for everything thereafter and that, really is the scary part.