Target Practice

 

      

               I got shot today. The bullet shattered the glass wall that protected my fragile self-sense of acceptance and self-love, ripped through the fabric of my ego and pierced my confidence.  It begs the question, the same question I've been asking myself. Why do you care, why did one word affect you so much. One word sent me into a spiral and plunged me deep down into the depths of discomfort and raw unadulterated emotion just so I can realize, maybe I'm not okay. Maybe I'm not so secure in my sense of self. It actually pains me to write this because how could I not. It's me. Misheca. I should exude confidence and light with my possession of an aura that outshines the brightest star, yet one word took me down. I'll recover soon enough, that's the great thing but before I come to terms with it, I thought maybe this is an interesting point when it comes to self-awareness and acceptance of the kinks and flaws.   

  I'm very aware of my flaws and I don't allow people to get on me for them. They are mine and they are me and until I can change or alter them, I choose to own them and protect them. I've been able to find the good in each flaw I've acknowledged and used that to my advantage or have managed to hide in plain sight while I build my ego to withstand the pressure. However, my bulletproof vest can only block everything except for those that  I've yet to mentally prepare for. That's how one word took me down because confidence and acceptance don't just happen overnight. You don't wake up one more as confident as a "Spice' on stage, we all had to go through our Summer Walker first.  Facing flaws and quirks head-on requires a lot of mental strength and reasoning ability to clearly outline to YOURSELF why these things are apart of you and contribute to your whole as an individual. My one word took me down hard. One, Two, Three notches down because it placed me in front of a part of myself that I keep under wraps. My friend said, when I told her what happened, "why are you letting it get you, be unapologetically you."  

But can we acknowledge how hard it is to be unapologetically you, because we all have a different side to our whole, we aren't circular. Far from it. Various angles come together to form who we are and so accepting all those sides, especially when you possess something a little peculiar can be quite challenging.  We all have that one word that defines that angle that we keep out of the spotlight, not that we don't love, well not that I don't ( I don't know about anyone else) not that I don't love who and what I am but some things often times get in the way of how I define myself and for a while, I've been leaving off a few adjectives, in lieu of the common phrases, I opt for the resume word choice. Maybe that's a coping mechanism, instead of admitting you're selfish, you choose to say "I put myself first".  Instead of acknowledging you're boring, you opt for " I'm not everyone's cup of tea"  and that's right, you aren't. Everyone likes different flavours, it's not that these things aren't true, but dabbing a little foundation and setting powder on it just makes it look a little bit better, it allows it to rest easier on the ear.  Unfortunately, the downside to that is, your ear isn't trained to hear the other versions of those phrases, the harsher versions, the words that pack the real ammunition. So when they hit, they demolish.   

Anyway, here I am at 10:41, thinking about eating a pineapple popsicle weeping about being called a weirdo like I didn't already know that. Like I didn't know I am who I am and there's nothing bad about it.  But hey, sometimes I spiral.    Sometimes we need to acknowledge the things that have the potential to affect our self-esteem and deal with them head-on. This is my way of dealing with it. So if ever, at any point in your journey (because it never ends) to building or maintaining your self-esteem you falter, gather yourself. You just need a little more practice, it's fine. Take a breather...  

  "  your ego, self esteem, confidence and overall feelings toward yourself, are your responsibility and yours only to keep safe"   

TwistedM