Method Madness

There's a method to my madness, I promise. 

That's a thought that just randomly popped in my head, sounds kinda cool, doesn't it? But what does it mean? What's the method to my madness? 

5 mins later... 

I've come up with a profound explanation if I must say so myself. My method is chaos. That works really well with madness, doesn't it?  I feel like this is the excuse that smooths over all my mistakes and the activities I take part in. What's better than playing off your shortcomings as strengths?  Here's some insight. 

Misheca's thoughts......

      It's 12:05 am on a Friday morning, I have a paper due at 11:59 that night. I stare at the laptop for an exceedingly long amount of time and I decide, "oh this movie on Netflix looks interesting, is that the guy from Moonlight? Oh, I like that movie, I'll watch this. 

 *Clicks movie* 

  Hmm,..this is a little boring, I need to attempt my paper. 

*opens ourvle* 

*peruses the question, selects a question* 

 "Hmm....this should be easy. "

.....20 mins later with Tory Lanez's Who Needs Love playing in the background.... 

"I cant write this paper, I cant formulate salient points to even start, I'll try watching that movie again." 

*restarts the movie*  

"Wooow this is amazing" 

*Glances at my phone* 

  "Damn Its 4 o clock"  

*Goes to bed* 

*Wakes up at 12* 

 .....My grandmother cuts my braids and I decide they're too uneven to keep them in a day longer, so I start taking them down.... 

*Mess around with the time-lapse feature on my for a bit so I can stare at myself taking down my hair* 

*Gets hot and Tired, decides to start the paper* 

*Stares at the blank screen* 

"Oh I didn't finish the movie" 

*Starts movie, focuses intensely on the cinematography* 

*Remembers my film course*   

* Remembers all the work I have due* 

*Decides to look up Ashton Sanders and praise him for his excellent acting skills* 

*Decides to tell all my friends to watch this movie* 

*Fall Asleep* 

"Well it's too late to start this paper I might as well watch Bojack Horseman and think about the points I want to make" 

That's a day in the life of a chronic procrastinator and professional self-saboteur.   That's the Mish Method. Engaging in a bunch of activities that will help me in no way academically and getting caught up in a mess that has nothing to do with my goals. Atelophobia, the crippling fear of not being good enough. I like to pretend like I got this, well because I do have it to a certain extent. Okay, maybe I don't. I really do fear not being good enough, because what If I'm not good at what I want to be good at. But then when I choose to not give it my all and unintentionally set limitations on my ability isn't that giving in to the fear and allowing it to stifle my entire being. Because who I am is shaped by the things I like to do. I keep thinking I don't have a true hobby or a true calling when my calling is doing exactly what I'm doing right now. I love writing essays on topics I'm knowledgeable about and putting forward my points but by ignoring the content I should be consuming and taking up with other things. I'm placing my depth on the back burner. and allows the aforementioned fear to rule my life. Huh, food for thought.   

I know I keep writing about similar things and I realize that this post may echo that of the previous but at the end of the day, a night. This is what my thoughts boil down to.  But still, what's the method? Using the fear of failure and not being good enough to drive me through the night coupled with my anxiety and a drop of adrenaline to complete a 2500 word paper two days late.    I personally think that's chaotic.  

There's the Mish Method  

TwistedMb