"Misheca, what have you done since the last time we spoke"

"Misheca, what have you done since the last time we spoke" 

It always feels like she's staring into my soul when we start talking and it makes me uncomfortable. So I clasped my hands and allowed my eyes to skirt over every object in the room before finally whispering under my breath "nothing really" accompanied by a sigh then immediately slumping into the chair. I'm pretty sure she's over me because I've basically exhausted all her resources and she doesn't know what else to tell me, also she couldn't tell me anything I don't already know. As I left my academic advisor's office, she gave me a huge soft cushiony hug and basically told me that I don't need to come back. Not in those harsh words but she explained to me like she's done so many times, that she can only tell me what to do, I have to actually implement it. Without putting the tips into practice, the words are meaningless. 
What's crazy about everything is that I like school. I don't mind it, once I get into it I'll be sure to master it (except math, I can't do that). I left the office that day to help my friend take some pictures, it was her very last 'lawyer dress up day' lol or Legal Attire Day if you like fancy terms and she reminded me of the dreams we had for when we passed the bar. "Bailey & Rowe co." I liked the idea of my name on a sign. My daddy would be proud and I guess a part of me lives to make my parents proud even though If you've ever had a conversation with me you'd know I like things my own way, and probably that's a part of the internal conflict. However, if I'm being honest I'd much rather my name on the cover of a book or the door to my office. 
  I have the aspirations and goals, maybe not enough passion because I put that flame out with a huge bucket of doubt and fears. Drenched the firewood with thoughts of failure and crushed the ashes with mediocrity. 
 "You're a bright girl, I can see that," she tells me "you can't afford to be mediocre, you can do so much."    Now isn't that the story of my life. 
"I'll be there for your graduation" he reminds me "I know you'll make your mother proud."
"You have a mind that can handle the more difficult questions" he chides "I don't understand what the  issue is.'

Fear and self-doubt have a way of grasping you by the scruff of your neck and never letting go. They take permanent residence in the back of your mind if you allow it and live in your thoughts like an unrelenting nagging grandmother and eventually they cripple you, rendering you helpless and hopeless. I can't say I know how to fight it because I don't and like so many others I've been focused on simply trying to make it out alive. I'm good at what I've chosen to do, actually, I'm good at everything I try to do. I truly believe that,  but I want to be great. I want to be remarkable but my fear of failure is a bitch, but you know what I'm an even bigger bitch. Literally. I was about to end this with the same idea that my fear of failure has me cornered but I'm tired of that narrative I've been living off. It's exhausted and I'm exhausting. With everything going on, there's a lot of fear everywhere. But if it's one thing I'm sure of even the strongest soldiers were afraid on the frontline of every war and right now everyone fears the effects of this virus but they didn't decide, 'it is what it is' and let shit slide. They're working hard because of the end of the day you can't write a book telling people, you were afraid so you achieved nothing, who wants to read that. Instead, I'll be afraid but tell the tale of how fear pushed me to achieve way more. 
And that's on a scout's honour. 

~Triumph over fear simply tastes better~ 

TwistedM (reignited)