Balance on that

"Maybe I made some questionable decisions, but I'm pretty sure it's what I wanted"

    In essence, that's what my entire 2019 can be summed up with. That single sentence that smooths everything over while acknowledging the bumps in the road. Essentially that's my year in review 8 days late. I think I completely embodied the idea of being selfish and taking risks. Jumping right in without dipping my toes in the water for a little bit to allow myself to acclimate to the situation. I just assumed the risks after the deal has been made. Who does that? M.J.Bailey is who. Of course, everything sent me on a whirlwind for days on end and  I ignored the scattered pieces and went about scratching away at new ones eventually creating a massive pile. However, I'm content because I think I've had enough of that for a while. The thing about "doing what you want" is that you listen to your impulses. If your impulses say jump off a bridge, you're gonna jump off a bridge and I absolutely loved that because I like the adrenaline rush I get when there's a high chance the risk exceeds the reward but the reward is oh so sweet and good. 
     But then being the overthinker that I am, the rewards are spoilt by my thoughts and I'm left debating the practicality of the decision and berating my poor mind with the things I should've thought about before I made any decisions. So...my impulses are not beneficial to my well being and I've decided to rely less on them and instead gather myself and those chipped pieces to make conscious well thought out decisions that protect my peace and my well being.  The issue at hand here is finding the balance, that space between heavy restriction and wild impulsivity. I tend to place such heavy restrictions on myself they lose their significance but somehow I'm left following them for years on end then, on the other hand, my impulses are so wild and grand  I get lost in everything. For example, a part of me wants to stop typing and watch a movie instead, but If I do that I'll never finish this post,  and I think it's important that I complete this because in some way it applies to everyone.
      I think we'll all go through a period in our lives when we just want to do and feel and go with the flow. The flow or the wave is so easy to ride, everything feels way easier and smooth and if something should go wrong the general attitude is "oh well". I developed that attitude when I recognized the significance of time. with all the time we have, the limited time I should add, why shouldn't we wing it and do what we want in this instance and focus on everything else when their time comes. So why shouldn't I waste my money of this corn and mashed potatoes addition to my meal, why shouldn't I purchase this makeup with half my money, why shouldn't I meet this new person who weaselled his way into my good graces, why shouldn't I drink all this alcohol and Why shouldn't I go to Chicago for a week and live in an Airbnb with only a $100 and why shouldn't I go on this trip to St.Elizabeth for the experience. There's nothing stopping me and the consequences are what they are, I'll deal with them later. 

 It's all fun and it all sounds exciting, but I'm a whole 21-year-old, I don't have all the time I think I have unless I'm content with being a waste b and it'll never be that. So....2020 is about balance I believe, by the end of the year I'd like to be able to say "I made everything work" so far, I'm somewhere in between that, but it's me. I'll make it work.   

~~Balance the beam, hun~~