A Girl Lost, maybe found.

So I'm sitting in my school's library, bored and watching some random video on YouTube like i normally do and I realize, I haven't written anything in a really long time. Maybe a year. Now that's crazy and I wonder why I've given up on so many things I really like or liked. I don't have the answer. What I do know is, that sometimes i'm overcome with the feeling of failure and disconnection with my true self and what might've caused these feelings to emerge is the dive I've taken into a space , interacting with people who are completely themselves, in thought and in appearance. These people have with them the thing we as intellectuals crave, the freedom of expression and to express. I don't know much about them so I can't say who they are, but I know, I'm not what I am.
I feel zoned, trapped in the world of vanity. The hairstyles, the makeup, the clothes, the possessions, it's all vain and I've become so vain it's hard to tell what or who I am anymore. Is the value of an individual the things their parents can afford or their entire being, their makeup that adds value to their existence.
I wonder what my existence values, I wonder what I'm doing with the brain God blessed me with that i constantly take for granted, the mental capacity and abilities I posses but have yet to tap into, am I more than the persona I present to the world? Can I be the student all my teachers chide me to be. I don't know. I want to be, I believe I can but I haven't done anything to even scratch the surface.  It all sounds a little existential doesn't it? It is. I've become a shell of Me. A girl occupying space, the quiet mouse in class , creeping around and showing up to sit at the back of class, I haven't engaged and challenged myself. I haven't done anything.    I'm full of ideas, I have a sense of self, I know who I am and what I want to be.  I know what I like. I like to read, and I like to write. I like to have thought provoking conversations, I get excited when presented with the opportunity to teach and demand my attention. I like to throw in my theatrics and be completely myself because I like comfort. It's funny because I just submitted a half assed paper about being a shell of oneself and suffering discomforts due to the suppression of one's desires.     I desire, a life where I'm more than. More than everything and able to do it all. Too much has happened that has clouded my vision. Not that I regret anything, I love each and every experience I've had and I hope to revert to the girl who thinks daily about what to post on her blog, the girl who makes small attempts to hone a craft and the girl who realizes , she can do anything she has the drive to do and can find inspiration and drive, through simplicity.  An ant, fighting for survival even. 

It's okay to lose yourself, it happens. But pray you find your way back. Lost treasures are always missed.  
TwistedM